TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let's have An additional put where American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Everybody a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus disclosed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from House, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting interest from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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